Opening night gave us lightning and an ejection before we even got a snap. Philadelphia still handled Dallas after Jalen Carter was tossed pre-play. Less than 24 hours later we were in São Paulo, where the Chargers edged the Chiefs in a tight one.

Sunday started loud. Daniel Jones, now the Colts’ guy, accounted for three touchdowns in a blowout of Miami. We also got the “QB swap” drama: Aaron Rodgers with the Steelers barely outlasted Justin Fields and the Jets. In the late window, Green Bay controlled Detroit while debuting Micah Parsons in green and gold. San Francisco came back in Seattle with a go-ahead score inside the final two minutes. Buffalo finished the night by ripping a win from Baltimore. Ed Oliver forced a Derrick Henry fumble, Terrel Bernard recovered, Josh Allen punched in a 1-yard TD, the defense got a stop, and the Bills walked it off with a field goal.

Monday tried to reset the vibes in Chicago. Ben Johnson’s script hit early, the Bears looked lively, then the second half happened. Minnesota rookie J.J. McCarthy closed like a closer, becoming the first QB ever to log three fourth-quarter touchdowns in his NFL debut and joining Steve Young as the only QBs in the last 45 years to erase a double-digit fourth-quarter deficit in their first game. Minnesota fans are buzzing. Chicago had a 94% win probability late in the third quarter and still let it slip.

New faces, real impact

• J.J. McCarthy, Vikings: Quiet first half, monster finish. Three fourth-quarter touchdowns in his debut. Minnesota’s plan to lean on the run helped settle him in.

• Jordan Mason, Vikings: Only 14 rushing yards before halftime, then 68 on 15 carries by the end. His hard running coincided with two Minnesota TD drives.

• Micah Parsons, Packers: On a snap count and still changed the picture. Drew a quick throw that became an interception, collapsed pockets, and finally got a sack in the fourth.

• Quentin Johnston, Chargers: Five grabs, 79 yards, two touchdowns in the win at São Paulo. A big step forward performance-wise.

• Emeka Egbuka, Buccaneers: Two touchdowns, including a late 25-yarder on a two-minute drive.

• Travis Etienne Jr., Jaguars: RB1 usage and results. Sixteen carries for 143 yards, highlighted by a 71-yard burst that set up a score.

Quarterbacks who swung games

• Josh Allen, Bills: 33-of-46 for 394 yards, two passing TDs, two rushing TDs. Kept Buffalo within striking distance until the defense delivered the late fumble and stop.

• Daniel Jones, Colts: 22-of-29 for 272 and a TD, plus two QB sneaks for scores. Exactly the quick, on-time, don’t-force-it profile Indy wanted.

• Brock Purdy, 49ers: Two interceptions early, then the late go-ahead touchdown in Seattle.

• Sam Darnold, Seahawks: Kept it close but a late fumble in a collapsing pocket ended the shot.

• Bo Nix, Broncos: Two interceptions and a lost fumble, settled once the run game finally hit in the fourth.

• Cam Ward, Titans: Poised, mobile, less than 50% completions. Took back-to-back sacks that knocked Tennessee out of field-goal range. Learning curve stuff.

Lines, flags, and other self-inflicted headaches

• Bears: Twelve penalties for 127 yards, including four first-half false starts and two DPIs that led to points.

• Texans: Same old issues popped up. Three sacks allowed, pressure on 41% of dropbacks, plus holdings, false starts, and illegal shifts. No offensive touchdowns.

• Saints: Thirteen penalties, clock use that will get a hard review, and a rare miss from Blake Grupe.

• Broncos offense: Three turnovers, two delay-of-game flags. The defense bailed them out.

Defense that traveled

• Broncos: Six sacks, only 133 net yards allowed. Tennessee started five drives on short fields and left with three field goals.

• Commanders: Beefed-up front showed. Only 38 rushing yards allowed to Giants RBs and a steady rush that made life rough for Russell Wilson.

• Raiders (after halftime): Adjusted well and blanked New England over the final two quarters.

Health and usage to watch

• 49ers: George Kittle and Trent Williams both hit the blue tent. Fred Warner had a scare and returned. Jauan Jennings left with a shoulder injury and did not return.

• Lions: CB Terrion Arnold exited with a groin injury.

• Rams: Puka Nacua took a cut to the face, needed stitches, came back and finished with 10 for 130.

• Chargers: RG Mekhi Becton missed snaps while taking oxygen. Entered questionable after illness.

• Titans: L’Jarius Sneed on a pitch count, 19 snaps, none after halftime.

Specialists and small edges that became big

• Jake Moody, 49ers: Missed from 27 and had a 36-yarder blocked. Since Week 10 last year he’s 12-for-23 on FGs. He has been dropped by the 49ers.

• Browns kicking: Andre Szmyt missed an extra point and a 36-yarder that could have flipped the result.

• Bills’ finish: Defensive takeaway, failed 2-pointer, defensive three-and-out, then the game-winning field goal.

• Chiefs note: Their league-record run of 17 straight one-score wins (including playoffs) did not carry over to Week 1.

Milestones and one-handers

• Matthew Stafford: Crossed 60,000 career passing yards. Tied for the second-fastest ever to get there in games played.

• DeAndre Hopkins: First catch as a Raven was a one-handed 29-yard touchdown.

More fantasy notables

• Puka Nacua: 10 receptions, 130 yards. Heavy usage even after leaving briefly.

• Travis Etienne Jr.: 16 carries, 143 yards, including a 71-yard chunk. Clear No. 1 back in Jacksonville.

• Jordan Mason: 68 yards on 15 carries after halftime spark. Noted momentum changer for Minnesota’s offense.

• Josh Allen: 394 passing yards, 4 total TDs. Classic ceiling day.

• Quentin Johnston: 5-79-2. Not just cardio.

• Emeka Egbuka: Two touchdowns for Tampa Bay.

• Hollywood Brown: 99 receiving yards with Kansas City’s WR room banged up and suspended.

Welcome back degenerates, heartbreakers, and future last-place finishers. Fantasy football season officially kicks off this Thursday, which means two things are certain:

You’re convinced your team is unstoppable.

By Sunday night you’ll be staring at your roster wondering why you didn’t just take up knitting.

Here’s a quick look at the storylines heading into Week 1:

The Stars You’ll Overthink
Every year someone benches a stud because “the matchup looks tough.” Don’t do it. If you drafted Justin Jefferson, you play him. If you took Christian McCaffrey, you play him. If you get too cute and start your sleeper wideout instead, congratulations—you’re the reason we exist.

The Waiver Wire Hero in Waiting
By Monday morning, someone sitting on your league’s waiver wire will be an instant must-add. You’ll see 17 group chat texts screaming “GET THIS GUY.” Then you’ll drop a player you actually needed to chase a one-week wonder who scores 3 points the next game. Tradition.

The Thursday Night Trap
Thursday night openers are dangerous. If your guy goes off, you’ll spend the weekend talking reckless in the chat. If he lays an egg, you’ll spend 72 hours refreshing your app and spiraling into trades you’ll regret. Either way, it sets the tone for your entire mental health trajectory until Monday Night Football ends.

The Excuse Season Begins
Week 1 is also when excuses get their warmup reps. “It’s just one week.” “My guys need time to gel.” “The turf looked slippery.” Keep repeating these until you start 0–4, then panic-trade your best player for two bench warmers.

Final Word
Remember: nobody wins their league in Week 1, but plenty of people manage to lose it. Don’t tilt, don’t bench your stars, and for the love of all things sacred—don’t let your kicker be the highest scorer on your team.

So you bombed your draft, got eliminated by Thanksgiving, and now you are frantically Googling things like “I Suck At Fantasy Football” or “why does my team hate me.” Do not worry. You are not alone. Every year millions of people pretend to be NFL GMs only to find out they draft like the New York Jets.

To help, we have compiled answers to the internet’s most common questions when they suck at fantasy football. Some are serious, some are painful, and all are designed to help you suck slightly less next season.

Is fantasy football a skill or luck?

Yes.

That is the honest answer. Fantasy football is like poker. You need skill. You must know when to draft running backs, how to stream defenses, and when to grab a breakout wide receiver before your league mate does. But you also need luck. A pulled hamstring, a monsoon game in December, or your RB1 fumbling on the goal line can destroy your week instantly.

Skill gives you consistency. Luck decides championships. If you are last every year, that is not bad luck. That is bad management.

How to be really good at fantasy football?

Step 1: Read everything. Depth charts, snap counts, beat reporter tweets at 2 a.m. Treat Adam Schefter like gospel.
Step 2: Be ruthless. Cut your sleepers when they do not produce. Fantasy is not about loyalty, it is about points.
Step 3: Own the waiver wire. Championships are rarely won in the draft, but they are lost by sleeping through Wednesday morning claims.
Step 4: Stream like a pro. Kickers, defenses, even quarterbacks in single QB leagues are all rentals.
Step 5: Pray. No strategy survives injuries.

The best fantasy players combine obsessive preparation with ice cold detachment. It is basically day trading with concussions.

Why do people like fantasy football so much?

Because it makes every single NFL game matter. Texans vs. Colts in Week 13 would normally be unwatchable. But suddenly you are sweating over a tight end target share like it is the Super Bowl.

Fantasy gives you an excuse to trash talk your friends, hate watch players, and feel like you have control over something in life even though you do not. It is the perfect mix of competition, camaraderie, and chaos.

Plus, let us be honest. We all secretly think we could be better GMs than half the guys running NFL franchises. Fantasy lets us prove it. Or, in most cases, prove we are just as bad.

Is there an AI to help with fantasy football?

Yes. There are draft assistants, lineup optimizers, trade analyzers, and waiver wire bots all powered by AI. They will crunch projections, analyze matchups, and even give you percentages for win probability.

The catch is that everyone else in your league can use the same tools. AI can give you edges at the margins, but it will not save you from yourself. You can have the best optimizer in the world and still bench a guy who goes off for 45 points.

AI is like having a GPS. It will give you the best route. If you decide to drive into oncoming traffic anyway, that is on you.

Closing Thoughts

Fantasy football is part skill, part luck, part obsession, and part masochism. You will lose. You will get mocked. You will probably draft someone who ends up on injured reserve by Week 2. But that is the point. We keep coming back because the highs are ridiculous, the lows are hilarious, and every year feels like the one we will finally get it right.

Until then, keep Googling, keep drafting, and remember this. If you suck at fantasy football, at least you are entertaining the rest of us.

So you finished last in your league. Big deal, right?

Wrong.

You don’t just get clowned in the group chat anymore. In 2025, fantasy football punishments are bigger, meaner, and more humiliating than ever. Whether you're the commissioner trying to keep the league competitive or the loser scrambling to avoid social exile, this is the list you need.

These aren’t “wear a costume to work” punishments. These are fantasy football last place punishments designed to permanently alter reputations. There’s no dignity in 12th place, only content, shame, and maybe a criminal record. Here are the wildest, most creative fantasy football loser punishments for 2025.

1. Run for Mayor in Your City

You must officially enter the next mayoral race in your hometown. Create a campaign site. Print signs. Walk around and shake hands. Develop a policy platform that somehow ties back to your fantasy football failures, without direclty mentioning the reason for your campaign. You must at least try to convince people to vote for you. If you get more than 10% of the vote, your league owes you a steak dinner.

2. Lie on a Resume and Get Hired for a Job You’re Unqualified For

Apply to jobs you have absolutely no business doing. Make up certifications, inflate your experience, and gaslight LinkedIn into believing you’re the next CEO of NASA. Keep going until you get hired. Show up. Work one day. Quit. Walk out like it’s Week 8 and you just dropped your entire FAAB on a backup tight end.

3. Start Selling Feet Pics From Your Instagram

Make your profile public. Begin marketing yourself as a full-time foot model. You are not allowed to say it’s a joke or a punishment until you have two paying customers. No refunds. No explanations. Just you, your toes, and the algorithm. You'll learn a lot about social media marketing, and even more about who your real friends are.

4. Delete Every Contact In Your Phone

No exporting. No backups. You wipe your contact list like you're formatting a hard drive. This is the punishment that keeps on punishing. Want to text your mom? Too bad. Need your group chat? Start over. The only way to rebuild your network is one awkward text at a time. Maybe next time you won’t draft three players from the same bye week. Now this one someone could easily cheat at, so make sure to check in a month out after the punishment to ensure they didn't find a loophole. 

5. Spend a Weekend at a Planet Fitness

Get a guest pass at your local Planet Fitness and spend a full weekend there. If you take a selfie with a person wearing a matching outfit (same color shirt and pants) then deduct an hour from your time. Is this sponsored by Planet Fitness? No. Would I be mad if Planet Fitness sent us some money? No.

Honorable Mention: Walk a Full Marathon in Your Local Mall Wearing iSuckAtFantasyFootball.com Merch.

Disclaimer:

All punishments listed are for entertainment purposes only. This is parody. We do not encourage or endorse any illegal, unethical, or employment-destroying behavior. Use common sense. iSuckAtFantasyFootball.com and its contributors are not responsible for any actions taken based on this content. Play at your own risk.

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